All Here! (2002)

allherecover

 

Written during an intense period of introspection, the songs on “All Here!” are whispers of my soul. I heard them internally first, on my long walks, as responses to my question to the universe: “What am I not seeing?” The contemplative and creative process of songwriting played a vital role in my psychological healing and spiritual deepening, and the songs themselves embody the transformations I experienced. I hope that my songs might accompany and inspire others in their growth and transformation.

(Scroll down for lyrics and recordings)

The Whole of Me

Reconnect the part of me
that knows just who I am.
Reconnect the heart of me,
that full-of-passion part of me.
Reconnect the soul of me,
the whole of me.

© 2000 Emily Melcher

For Bonnie, Who Found Me Dancing

One Saturday night I was dancing alone
in a room full of people, a dance of my own.
I got out of a taxi the very next day,
and a radiant woman came walking my way,
and she said, “Last night I danced with you!
You didn’t see me, but I danced with you!
In your bright tie-dyed shirt, an incredible pace,
you were dancing and twirling all over the place,
and your eyes, they were closed, I saw God in your face.
And your bliss drew me to you,
the joy that shone through you,
your bliss drew me to you,
your ecstasy.”

When I called you weeks later, choking back tears,
the bliss was long gone, consumed by my fears.
And you said, “Don’t talk ’round what you’re feeling inside.
I’m listening, Emmy, you don’t need to hide.”
And I heard what you said, and my heart opened wide,
and I took what you offered, and I cried and I cried.
And I wept with a sadness for too long denied
‘Cause your warmth drew me to you,
the love that shone through you,
your warmth drew me to you,
Bonnie.

Now I’m thinking of you and the sadness you feel.
You’re going through changes and trying to heal.
And I’d love to give back what you’ve given to me:
A comforting presence, peppermint tea,
or a song or a dance for the sadness you feel.
If you let it flow through you,
the dance can renew you,
and bring you back home to yourself.
For when sadness flows through us,
the bliss can come to us,
and bring us back home to ourselves.
We’ll let sadness flow through us,
so bliss can renew us
and bring us back home to ourselves.
It will bring us back home to ourselves.

© Emily Melcher 1999

Rock Me, Gently Rock Me

When you see my light dimming,
and you see the darkness hover,
When you feel me put my walls up,
and you see me run for cover,
Well, then, grab me quick and hold me
as you would a little child
who’s lashing out in anger and in fear.
Pin my arms down if you’re able,
till the rage and shame in me subside,
and then rock me,
gently rock me
in your arms.
Rock me,
gently rock me
in your arms.

Help me know that I’ll find comfort
if I speak of all I hold inside.
Help me know I’ll be delivered
by my tears.
Hold me in your eyes and love me
as you would a little child,
and then listen,
gently listen
to my fears.
Listen,
listen gently
to my fears.

For it’s only in surrender,
when I lay my head upon your chest,
when I share my darkest shame with you,
I will find rest,
When you hold me close and love me
as you would a little child,
and then rock me,
gently rock me
in your arms for a while.
Rock me,
gently rock me,
rock me in your arms.

© 2000 Emily Melcher

I Won’t Forget

My wings are beating wildly,
your feet are stuck in clay.
I can teach you how to fly,
you can teach me how to stay.

And I won’t forget to love you,
even when I can not see you,
when my wings are beating wildly,
and I’m soaring on my own.

And I won’t forget you love me,
even when you can not listen,
when the beating of my wings
makes you afraid you’ll be alone.

For I’ve always needed grounding,
and you have longed to fly,
and we both have fought the learning
without understanding why.
But I’ll no longer turn my face
and hide in shame,
I’ll no longer close my eyes
in your embrace,
for I know now that you love me,
even when my wings are beating,
so although I fear the landing,
I will look into your face.

And I won’t forget to love you,
even when I can not see you,
when my wings are beating wildly,
and I am soaring on my own.

And I won’t forget you love me,
even when you can not listen,
when the beating of my wings
makes you afraid you’ll be alone.

You can always trust I love you,
though your feet are stuck in clay.
Even though my wings are beating,
I will never fly away.

© Emily Melcher 1999

Something Strong in Me

If you’re not there when I need you,
a part of me lays down and dies.
But if you are gentle and loving with me,
you may help something strong in me rise.
You may help something strong in me rise.

And if I felt sad when they hurt me,
disappointed when they let me down,
Well, I might have known it,
but I would not have shown it,
cause a smile was required to keep them around.

So I smiled through the fear when they hit me,
or battered each other in rage.
My knuckles went white, and my jaw was clenched tight
round the fear that I dared not engage.
And I grew hard to soften the blow,
thought I could cushion the fall.
When the pain was too great, I hid and I ate,
or I slammed my soft body hard at the wall,
or pounded my fists on my head
to silence the voices that wished I were dead.

For many years self-righteous indignation
was the weapon that I wielded to defend myself from fear.
Like a porcupine begging for attention,
while making certain no one could get near.
Now I long to lay my armor down and weep.
But my mind’s a restless warrior
still looking for the danger,
and I’m not at rest, not even when I sleep.

It’s a very old habit I’m trying to break,
this killing what rises within me.
But I know it’s my own precious life that’s at stake,
and if I don’t kill me, I’ll win me.

So if I can be there when I need me,
to witness my own inner cries,
If I can be gentle and kind with myself,
I may help something strong in me rise.
I may help something strong in me rise.
I may help something strong in me,
Strength that belongs to me,
Help something strong in me rise.
I may help something strong in me rise.

© 2000 Emily Melcher

Invitation to little em

You’re the angry one,
the blessed one,
You’re the one who laughs and cries.
You’re the loving one,
the playful one,
You’re the one who’s never bent herself to lies.

You’re the one who’s had to learn to shout,
the one I’ve tried to live without,
the one I hope to welcome back today.

So won’t you laugh with me?
Tumble in the grass with me?
We can spread our wings
and twirl until we fly!
And if you fall to fear,
I will hold you near,
I will hold you close and listen when you cry.

You’re the one who’s had to learn to shout,
the one I’ve tried so hard to shut out,
You’re the child who shoots off sparks,
who sparkles in my grown-up eyes.
You’re the one who dares to live without disguise.

So won’t you play with me?
Celebrate the day with me?
We can splash our dreams like sunshine
in the skies.
And if you fall to shame,
I will call your name,
When you lift your gaze, I’ll look into your eyes.

You’re the one I haven’t dared to see
who dreams of all that I can be,
You’re my little one,
potential,
possibility.

So come and dance with me,
Won’t you take a chance with me?
When you need me, little one,
I will be here.
You’re the child I have longed for,
I’m the one you’ve sung your song for,
And I will be the one to hold you through your fear.
I will be the one to welcome you, my dear.
My little one,
you will find welcome here.

© Emily Melcher 2000

Fledgling

Just when I feel myself start to settle in,
I hear you telling me it’s time to leave.
But my tears aren’t even dry yet,
and I don’t know how,
how to live the truths I’m coming to believe.

And just when I notice how much I feel at home,
I sense you pushing me to try to fly.
But my wings aren’t even dry yet,
and I don’t know how,
how I’m ever going to dare to say good-bye,
when I’ve finally found a gentle love
to hold me when I cry.

And I know my anger hurts you
’cause I’ve turned it inward, too.
And you’ve reached into my darkness sometimes
and pulled me through.
But it’s different now.
I don’t know how.
But I can’t feel you there.
I can’t feel you care.

And if the universe provides all my lessons I know
that my longing for you is a longing to grow
deep within me where
my soul lies bare,
so my own love can carry me through
my own fear which keeps me from you.

And if your role in my life is to nurture the seed
of love in my soul, I have just what I need
when I can’t feel you there,
I will learn to care,
and my own love will grow strong and free,
as I learn to be all I can be.

And these wet, tender wings will dry in the flight
as I soar with myself through the darkness and light.
And I will feel you there,
I will feel you care,
when my own love is lifting me high,
there’s no love that I will deny,
when my own love is lifting me high.

© Emily Melcher 2000

Ten Today

They say I was always grown-up for my age,
wise far beyond my years,
As soon as I could, I raced right through each stage
ignoring my questions and fears.

And it’s true, I was always grown-up for my age,
capable, confident, strong
As soon as I could, I raced right through each stage
missing each chance to belong

They say I was hungry for life and adventure,
And I had no patience to stay
I believe that it’s true, but I see myself, too,
Running forward and running away

I was thirteen, going on thirty then,
Racing, just to get through
Today I am forty, going on ten,
and all of the world looks new.
Today I am forty, going on ten,
and all of the world looks new.

Today I am young and hopeful and scared
I’m playful, receptive and free
I don’t have to be grown-up, don’t have to be tough,
I just have to learn to be me.
I will see what this time holds for me.

I was thirteen, going on thirty once,
Now I’m forty, going on ten,
I have a chance now to learn all about
all the things I missed out on back then.
I won’t race through it again.

There are days I believe I can care for myself
I am certain I know who I am
But that doesn’t mean that I should or I must
do it all alone, just cause I can

Today I’m a ten year old, longing for love
but tempted to push it aside
I struggle between my desire to be seen
and my longing to just run and hide.
But the struggle is sweet this time, blessed as it is
with wisdom, compassion and care
I don’t want to stay lonely and locked in myself,
Now that I feel I’m welcome to share.

So I’ll linger here as long as I need to
I’ll ask all the questions I once put away
I will cherish the warmth when I feel a blush rising,
grateful that I’m ten today.

I will cherish the glow of the young woman rising
grateful that I’m ten today.

© 2000 Emily Melcher

The Enemy

Entrenched in my position,
I think you’re the opposition:
You’re the only thing that’s standing in my way.
My fingers in my ears are sprouting roots,
and I can’t hear a single word you say.

What used to be a fleeting thought
has now become a keeper.
Tiny wishes grow much bigger
as I dig in deeper.

You’re the enemy!
This is a fight!
I will not give an inch
’til you acknowledge I am right!
You’re the enemy!
This is a fight!
Surrender, or you’re sleeping
in the guest bed tonight!

What’s that you say?
You want to hear exactly how I feel?
Well, I sincerely doubt that!
This can not be for real!

Cause you’re the enemy,
I’m sure it’s true!
Stand up and fight!
We’ll spend the night
proving what I know is right!

What’s that you say?
You’re listening,
you’re laying down your shield,
inviting me to lay aside
the weapons that I wield…

But you’re the enemy!
I’m not insane!
If I lay down my weapons
not a trace of safety will remain!

What’s that you say?
You understand me and you want to hear
about my dreams and hopes and thoughts,
about my pain and fear?

Surely I am not the one
who’s standing in my way,
keeping my own hopes and dreams
so deeply locked away.
Holding them so close they’ll never
see the light of day.
Well, maybe you’re not standing in my way.

But how can I be certain
that this isn’t all a ruse?
A manipulation you’ve devised
to find a way to use
my weakness and my faltering,
my strength and my success,
to fill a void within you,
to help you reposses
the certainty that you’ve been right,
the chance for you to show
that I am wrong and pitiful,
while you are in the know.

Yes, you’re the enemy,
so take a shot!
Oh, damn it, now I’m here again,
embarrassed I’ve been caught
thinking you are standing in my way,
trusting in my deepest fears
and not in what you do or say…
I know that you’re not standing in my way…

I’m grateful and I’m scared
as I relinquish my position.
I’m glad to find I wasn’t right:
You’re not the opposition!

You hear my dreams and hopes and thoughts,
you hear my pain and fear,
When I have heard you, too, we are both standing,
both still here.
I turn toward you and turn away
from whispers in my ear…
But he’s the enemy…

© 2001 Emily Melcher

Losing My Illusions

Look at what I’ve built here:
This is my dream,
built to give me love
and bring me family.

And look at what I’ve built here:
This is my dream,
built to give me hope
and bring me home.

And look at all I’ve built here:
This is my dream,
built to give me joy
and bring me meaning.

And yet look at all that’s missing
from this empty chamber.
All the dreams I’ve built
can’t fill this hole.
All the dreams I’ve built
can’t make me whole.

I am losing my illusions
falling into fear,
Knowing my insistence
will never bring you near.

I asked if you would walk beside me
Prayed you would fight to see inside me
Put up my walls and then begged you:
“Find a way through!”

I thought if you could love me enough
one day I would be healed.
But now I’m facing the emptiness
your loving has revealed.

I am losing my illusions
falling into shame,
Knowing how I’ve hurt you
by holding you to blame.
Losing My Illusions (continued)

I said I wanted a partner
but I was looking for a savior.
When you couldn’t save me from darkness,
I said I’d leave.
When you didn’t pull me back,
I couldn’t believe
that you could love me long enough
that one day I would be healed.
Now you’ve loved me half my lifetime,
through all I’ve kept concealed
behind walls of pain and anger,
in all the blame I’ve cast,
your loving has been constant
and I’m opening at last.

I am losing my illusions,
falling into grief,
Feeling as I’m falling
in surrender there’s relief.

Now I am asking of myself
what I have always asked of you.
Hoping you will walk beside me
while I heal this pain inside me,
Praying I will know a love that’s true,
When I look within myself, not just at you.

I am losing my illusions,
falling into peace,
Tending to my spirit,
each time I release
a bit of grief or pain or anger,
every time I rise above
illusions I have cherished,
I am falling into love.

I am losing my illusions
and falling into love.

© 2000 Emily Melcher

My Grandmother Lives in Me

When I was a child, my grandmother’s hands
baked cookies and taught me to sew.
She drew clowns and read stories and took me for walks,
and she’s still with me now as I grow.

And I feel her nimble fingers in mine
when I work with a needle and thread.
And I still smell my grandmother’s kitchen
when I am baking a loaf of bread.

And yet I used to tease my grandma
when I noticed to my great dismay
that she was old-fashioned,
and tended her husband,
and I’d never do it that way.

But the older I get, the deeper I grow,
I embrace what I once was afraid of:
Commitment forever, and love and respect,
all the values my grandmother’s made of.

And my grandparents’ marriage has echoes in ours,
for I married a man who can dance!
When he waltzes me round,
when my feet leave the ground,
we’re connected to their romance.

I have tended to think I am different,
but I’m more and more coming to see:
Though our marriage is different,
our love is like theirs,
and my grandmother lives in me.

And when I am searching for something to cling to,
when difficult thoughts fill my head,
when I find myself longing for someone to sing to,
I think of these words that my grandmother said:
“When my husband died, I walked in the hills
each day as I always do,
and I asked the good Lord
what his plan was for me,
and his message came, quiet and true:

‘There are others who need you,
your work is not done,
you still have so much to give.’”
So she walked through her grief
offered others relief
and she learned once again how to live.

I admire the way that my grandmother’s faith
sustains her and carries her through
the hardships she meets face-to-face, full of grace,
the love that informs her view.

And I sing as I walk with my dogs every day,
for singing’s the way that I pray,
and I know that she’s walking her dog in the hills,
and she’s with me, though I’m far away.

I have tended to think I am different,
but I’m more and more coming to see:
Though my God may be different,
my faith is like hers,
and my grandmother lives in me.

And a part of me feels like an old-fashioned girl,
and it gives me great pleasure to know
that my grandmother’s values and love live in me,
and my faith will continue to grow.

I have tended to think I am different,
but I’m grateful each time I see:
Though in some ways I’m different,
I’m also like her,
and my grandmother lives in me.

© 2000 Emily Melcher

All Here

Now that we’re singing together, we are all here, all here,
Look what we’re bringing together, we are all here, all here.

Now that we’re speaking together, we are all here, all here,
Finally seeking together, we are all here, all here.

Now that we’re hearing each other, we are all here, all here,
Finally nearing each other, we are all here, all here.

Now that we’re playing together, we are all here, all here,
We will be staying together, we are all here, all here.

Now that we know one another, we are all here, all here,
Now we will show one another, we are all here, all here.

Now that we’re finally connected, we are all here, all here,
Knowing we’re loved and respected, we are all here, all here.
Now that we’re singing together, I am all here, all here,
Look what we’re bringing together, I am all here, all here.

Now that we’re speaking together, I am all here, all here,
Finally seeking together, I am all here, all here.

Now that we’re hearing each other, I am all here, all here,
Finally nearing each other, I am all here, all here.

Now that we’re playing together, I am all here, all here,
We will be staying together, I am all here, all here.

Now that we know one another, I am all here, all here,
Now we will show one another, I am all here, all here.

Now that we’re finally connected, I am all here, all here,
Knowing we’re loved and respected, I am all here, all here.

Now that I’m finally connected, I am all here, all here,
Knowing I’m loved and respected, I am all here, all here.
Knowing I’m loved and respected, I am all here.

© 2000 Emily Melcher